Tonight is my one year SCADiversary. In many ways it feels like a first birthday, as if one year ago I started back at the very beginning of life. And, in many ways, I have.
There are days where I actually forget that my life has ever been different, that there were many mornings in the past when I did not take medication, that I could once run up a flight of stairs without becoming short of breath and that I would often rush around all day like a bumble bee collecting bits and pieces of sustenance from wherever I could land.
Life now is much more sedate. In the mornings I calculate my store of energy and allocate it to the most important parts of my life. I sleep whenever I can, which is not nearly as often as I would wish. I sit and watch and soak up the noise and chaos without feeling the need to always participate.
I am not the wife or mother I had planned to be. I am slower, more tired and less enthusiastic. But I am also kinder, more patient and less focussed on future achievements.
Tonight I sat down to dinner with my husband and daughter, with my sister and also one of my brothers. It was almost a replica of that night just one short year ago, only Miss L fed herself olives and feta and we were sitting on the other side of the country and there was no lovey bottle of wine and I had a pile of work waiting for me on the computer so dinner was a little rushed. So, really, it wasn’t anything like that night at all. 7.30pm passed by without much ado, in fact I didn’t even notice it. We were all too busy laughing at my daughter laughing at herself for absolutely no reason whatsoever. I mentioned the SCADiversary to my sister earlier and she said, “Oh, was that today?” And I am glad, because to me it finally feels like I have closed that chapter. I am no longer counting the minutes and days and months as I move away from that event but, rather, all the time I have ahead of me.
This is what I have learned. Life sux sometimes. It’s not fun and it’s not fair and you don’t get all the answers to your questions tied up in a neat bow and oh, how it hurts. But, my God, it’s better than the alternative! Embrace life, in all it’s messy, painful, confusing glory and you will not regret it. Because, in amongst all that chaos, are little moments of pure joy that making living worthwhile.
That it will never come again
Is what makes life so sweet.
– Emily Dickinson