Best laid plans


Lessons from my daughter #28. 

We joined the ranks of co-sleepers a little while ago and I haven’t wanted to admit it. Whenever I do, it is usually followed by a disclaimer like, ‘It wasn’t by choice’ or ‘It’s only going to be during winter time’ or ‘It’s because of the meds I have to take’. And all of these excuses are true but the bottom line is that I was just too tired to do anything else. 

My not-so-little Miss L woke me up yesterday morning the same way she does each morning, with a sweet little ‘Hi’ and a pat pat pat on my face. If that fails to rouse me, and it often does, she follows it up by crawling over the top of me and sitting on my face. There’s nothing like the smell of warm urine in the morning to get you going! I love waking up to that little face but oh how I have wished, especially in these dark winter mornings, that she didn’t greet me quite so early. 

To be honest, I have wished for a lot of things lately. I’ve wished that we were back in our own home where Miss L had her own room and there was no one to observe my middle of the night parenting fails. I’ve wished I had even an ounce of my pre-motherhood convictions about parenting and the strength to stick to them. I’ve wished I could somehow unravel the tangled ball of string that is our lives at the moment and figure out where we went wrong. I’ve wished that I could give Miss L better and happier and easier and just plain more than I have thus far. Mostly I’ve wished to be joyful and to see the deep furrow between my brows and the tightness around my lips relax. 

This morning I woke up to silence. My lovely Mum rescued us both last night and took Miss L in the wee hours so we could all get some sleep. The irony is that without her little fists clutching my hair and her cheek smashed up against mine and her warm little breaths in my ear, I barely slept at all. And when I opened my eyes all I wanted was to see her cheeky little grin as she lined her soggy nappy up with my face. 

I was going to start this by stating that I’m not into attachment parenting, or any kind of parenting label at all really. But that doesn’t mean that I didn’t have a strong idea about what kind of parent I would be and I can tell you that co-sleeping was definitely not on the list. But the last year of sleepless nights spent sitting by the side of a cot and crying silently in the dark has taught me humility. Our best laid plans are just that, best laid to rest. This parenting thing is a day by day journey that takes all kinds of unexpected detours and it is ok to let go of the map once in a while. 

In a minute I am going to get myself out of bed, take my meds, wash my face and go say a big ‘Hi’ to my little girl. And tonight I am going to try to be a little kinder to us both and find the joy in this moment because this is a precious time. One day she will be too big and too independent and too cool to greet me in the morning with such enthusiasm and I will be wishing to have these tender days back once more. 

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3 thoughts on “Best laid plans

  1. saltwaterhoneyau says:

    How quickly you processed and came up with a wonderful conclusion! We all have grand ideas but then find the need as time goes by to ask our children for forgiveness. That is also an important part of parenting xx

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  2. Anonymous says:

    Zannia, I just stumbled across your blog accidentally as you listed some jackets for sale on Facebook. I took to looking into your page and hence found your blog.
    I believe we are given things by the universe when in need and after reading a few of your posts, this has made me feel so much brighter and optimistic.
    I am a mum of 3 beautiful children, ages 11, 9 and 6 months and I adore them all. I have found going back to being a mum to a babe after such a long time a hard, tiring and emotional journey. There are days when I doubt myself as a mother and feel totally and utterly exhausted. I had 2 independent children and was back working then our little unexpected blessing arrived and I have found it difficult going back to being a stay at home mum to a very dependant baby. There are days when I yearn for my life to go back to how it was 18 months ago but then I feel so guilty for feeling like this.
    After reading your blog, it makes me appreciate life for all that it is and has blessed me with. My children and family are all healthy and happy (most of the time!) and for that I am grateful.
    My brother became severely disabled at 14 months old and I admire my parents for how they coped and took the best of care of us both. Our life wasn’t exactly normal, but really who’s is? And to me, I didn’t know any different and I wouldn’t have changed it for the world. It taught me to treat others with respect and never judge someone from face value.
    Thank you for uplifting me with your words, it has truly made my day and is what I needed.
    I hope you gain strength from your beautiful daughter and enjoy every moment…..they grow so quickly. Cherish her little antics and get it on video, how quickly you can forget their cuteness!

    Liked by 1 person

    • aheartdivine says:

      Hi, I don’t know who you are but I’m so glad you found meaning in my words. There are no accidents in this life, as much as sometimes I would like to wish otherwise!
      It is so easy to be burdened by the everyday challenges of motherhood and allow the doubts and guilt and regret to creep in. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that life is the most precious gift, no matter how hard it may be. Each moment passes so quickly and I am trying to remember to be grateful, even in the worst of times.
      I know I am still here for a reason and that my story is not over. If God is able to use my experiences to bless even just one person then the struggles are all worth it and if that person is you then I’m so very glad. Keep smiling, put one foot in front of the other, hold your kids a little tighter and know that you are valued above all else. Zannia xox

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